


I Still Dream of You

by dracarys01



Category: Sen Çal Kapımı (TV)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, But mostly angst, Character Study, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Kinda, Memory Loss, Serkan POV, Slow Burn, eda yildiz must be protected at all costs, falling for her twice, ridiculously slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29130741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracarys01/pseuds/dracarys01
Summary: {Set after episode 29}Eda. Such a small name holding that much power.He allows himself to try and think of her, to search deep in his brain, his most loyal companion all these years, that treacherous organ that he based his whole life on, his mind that is hiding so many things from him. The same mind that decided to let her in. For what feels like hours he tries to remember, to see something that he has forgotten, like when she came in the cafeteria earlier today and he remembered her yellow dress and her tanned skin and her dimples and the way she felt in his arms.OR:Serkan is struggling to understand his actions during the year he doesn't remember, while slowly finding out why he fell in love with Eda.
Relationships: Serkan Bolat/Eda Yildiz
Comments: 43
Kudos: 179





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly a Serkan Bolat character study and analysis, trying to figure out why he does what he does. I will try to follow up with the events of next episodes, but can't make any promises if I don't like them. This is my first time posting a story, so please be gentle and feel free to tell me what you think in the comments!  
> I don't know how many chapters it's going to be but I promise to try and complete it.

Serkan moves nervously to the center of the room, his heart beating frantically, his ears ringing. He starts talking, not sure what he talks about or if he makes sense at all, because the only thing that his brain can think about is her lips. Her soft lips, that kissed him just seconds ago and he has been feeling weird since she showed up, but now he’s dizzy, his head is spinning from the kiss, but most importantly, he can still taste her. A sweet, cookie-like taste that he wants more of, he wants to try it again and again, until he’s completely drowned by it.

But he hates sweets. He shakes his head to chase away every thought of her, which turns out to be futile, because she’s still right there, in front of him, looking him with those big eyes of hers that speak just as loudly about her feelings as she did. He shouldn’t care about those feelings though, shouldn’t want to take her in his arms and hold her there until everything is right and she doesn’t look at him like he’s holding her heart in his hands and just keeps squeezing.

Since when has he been able to perceive all that sentimental crap? _Logic_. That’s what had always worked for him, what had gotten him to be so good at his job. Acting with his heart sounded foreign and wrong and _weak_. But he spent his whole life trying to be strong, senseless even, he strived to avoid any kind of pain, physical or sentimental and it had worked for him, as far as he remembers.

 _Logic_. That’s what he should keep holding on to. Look at what his heart had gotten him into. Almost dead at a Slovenian beach. If all those stories about his great love are true, that is. They can’t be, he does not believe in the concept of love, has never felt it. _Logic_ , he keeps repeating in his head, like a broken record, until his heart rate is slowing down, until he can no longer feel her lips touching his. Lifting up his fingers, he touches his mouth, her lipstick is still there and her taste comes crushing back in his mouth.

What is wrong with him? Nothing about what he feels makes sense. _Logic_. He can’t be with a woman like her, she’s nothing like him, she’s too… the word _perfect_ comes to mind, but he immediately shakes it away. She’s just not his type, she acts based entirely on emotion, as so evidently proved by her actions ever since he met her, the crying, the yelling, the handcuffs, the anger, the photos she sent flying all over his living room, _the kiss_.

A sound makes him come back to the room, where he’s still standing and he quickly realizes that the sound was his own voice. He looks at _her_ again, as if he had to, as if she isn’t there already every time he closes his eyes. _Logic_. Who is the person he should be with if he follows logic? Selin.

He says the name aloud, but he’s still looking at _her_. Why is it so hard to keep his eyes off her? The thought makes him angrier. He wants to feel safe, as he used to, he wants his heart to stop acting up every time she’s close, he needs it to. Turning his head, he does the one thing that he thinks will bring normality back.

“Selin, will you marry me?”

It is after he utters those words that he sees it. He too acted on emotion, he let his anger and his confusion take over him. But now the deed is done and he’s not entirely sorry about it. Selin had always been there for him and he does care for her a lot. Yes, this is a good last-minute decision. His hand finds Selin’s and the warmth is reassuring, nothing like the consuming fire he was feeling before.

Selin nods, then says yes and she looks happy. Good, she deserves to be. She has admittedly suffered for a long, long time waiting for this and yet she’s still there, by his side, holding his hand. Yes, he doesn’t regret it.

That is until Selin moves to hug him and he accidentally lays his eyes on _her_ again.

She looks shocked, broken, betrayed and he-- it really should not mean anything to him, it shouldn’t affect him seeing her like this, but it does. Part of his heart shutters and a shiver travels up his spine as she rushes out of the room with tears in her eyes. A strong urge to stop her comes over him.

He feels like his legs can’t hold him and thank god for Selin, or he would be face dow—Selin. He just proposed to her and here he is, thinking about running after another woman. A woman he hadn’t known until yesterday -he still doesn’t know _her_ , he realizes, but there’s a barely audible voice in the back of his head urging him to find all there is to know about her. That voice sounds as familiar as his own.

It’s like he’s going crazy. His train of thought is going too fast for his stomach and the never-ending contradictions between his thoughts and feelings aren’t doing him any favors. He needs to sit down, to breathe and calm himself, but his earlier actions are finally catching up with him.

His eyes follow _her_ until the door slams behind her and her friends, who rushed out with her and the shorter one -the one that called him brother yesterday- is giving him a look that will probably hunt him for the rest of his days. Like it was her heart he just broke.

He closes his eyes to concentrate at the matter at hand and there she is again, right behind his eyelids. Her face so close to his that his breath is mingling with hers and she smells _so good_. Like summer and something of flowers he can’t quite recognize. Her eyes are holding his with so much hope, it’s enchanting, like magic. But there’s no such thing as magic.

When he opens his eyes, she’s gone.

******

After dropping Selin at her house -she looks happy enough for both of them, he decides- he returns home. His house looks just like he remembers it, save for the guitar he’s trying to ignore since yesterday. Why is it here? He stopped playing a long time ago, when it started looking stupid in his hands and felt like he wasn’t respecting his brother’s memory by playing without putting his heart into it.

How he wishes Alp was here. He would know exactly what to say to make him feel better. He briefly considers talking to his father about it, then remembers what his mother told him. He left them. It doesn’t surprise him, but it makes his blood boil with anger and his heart suddenly hurts like it has been stubbed. It’s that sudden burst of intense feelings that surprises him. A powerful wave of shame and betrayal crushes over him and he’s so confused because the older he got, the more distant he grew from his family, his father specifically, so he can’t figure out why his departure makes him so angry, when he spent most of his adult life waiting for it.

There are so many questions that he needs answered, so many pieces in this puzzle he misses, but he’s afraid that much like the information Selin gave him, everything will involve a certain brunette. How she made him think he was in love with her, how she took over his life, half his company.

He sits on the couch, right at the spot he was yesterday when she barged in, uninvited, like she had spent enough time in that space to feel entirely familiar with it. And maybe she had, she probably had, but he doesn’t remember anything about that time, so her coming made him feel angry, exposed.

He needs to stop thinking about _her_ and what she does to him. That’s what he probably failed to do last time, when they actually first met, that must have been his first mistake, that led to so many others. He scans the coffee table for something to read and take his mind off of _her_ , but that seems as impossible as it has been since she kissed him. Seyfi might not be as loyal to him as he thought, seeing that even though he had cleaned the mess she made out of his living room, their photos were neatly placed on the table, facing him.

The Serkan looking back at him in the picture looks like a stranger though. He has a foreign expression on his face; a huge smile that he is sure _he_ has never smiled before. He cannot recall the last time he felt as happy as photograph-Serkan looks and as he shuffles through the rest of the pictures, he comes to the same conclusion that he did yesterday when she showed them to him. _He’s not the same person._

A strange statement, to be sure, but that’s the best way to express what he sees. A version of himself that he is not familiar with, a Serkan who’s okay with the public display of what he presumes to be affection, of any sort of emotion, actually. That’s not how he is. He wonders what could have possibly changed all those things about him, _who_ could have such power over him, but he doesn’t have to think for long, she’s right there.

 _Eda._ Such a small name holding that much power.

He allows himself to try and think of her, to search deep in his brain, his most loyal companion all these years, that treacherous organ that he based his whole life on, his mind that is hiding so many things from him. The same mind that decided to let her in. For what feels like hours he tries to remember, to see something that he has forgotten, like when she came in the cafeteria earlier today and he remembered her yellow dress and her tanned skin and her dimples and the way she felt in his arms.

Yet all he sees is a black void that tries to suck him in and his freshly healed scar burns at the back of his head. He gives up, quickly starting to question why he wanted to try in the first place. It annoys him that even though he does not remember the Serkan he became, that bastard can still control part of his brain.

That night, he dreams of warm hands cupping his face on both sides, as two big brown eyes stare back at him, _pleading_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's kinda short and confusing, but I'll try to make the next chapter better.


	2. Chapter 2

Serkan wakes up soaked in sweat, much earlier than he had any reason to and despite his efforts to fall back asleep, it eludes him. Instead, blurry images of a woman dressed in white keep swarming in his head, occupying his thoughts. It’s fleeting, like a hazy dream that sits so heavily in the back of his mind, he can’t tell if it was real or not.

He stands behind her, hugging her waist and looking into what he knows to be a mirror, because he can see his reflection in it, that same stupid smile taking up most of his features, but he can’t see the woman’s face. No matter how hard he tries to focus, to make the picture clear in his mind, something stops him, like a wall put up by his own mind, blocking the view of that face.

He slowly sits up, his hands covering his eyes, as if trying to make the dream go away, to stop himself from trying to see her. Because he knows it’s _her_. He has been dreaming about her for so long now, ever since he saw her name on his ring, a few days after the accident.

He got so scared then, waking up in a foreign environment with a ring on his finger that he didn’t remember putting there and a woman’s name carved inside, a woman he had no memory of. Her name had a strange effect on him when he first read it though. It felt so familiar on his tongue, like he had said it a million times before and yet, he couldn’t for the life of him match a face with it.

It was while trying to see Eda’s face in his mind’s eye that Selin popped up in his thoughts, a clear image of her face in his memories, a certainty that he knew her, understood her and his feelings towards her. That made him feel safe, a familiar face of a dear friend, someone he cared about, someone he knew all his life and trusted a lot.

The annoying sound of a ringtone pulled him back to his senses. It takes him a while to understand that someone is calling him, not used to the melody his new device came with. Reaching for it on his nightstand, he reads the name of the caller: Selin.

A sense of peace goes through him at the thought of her, much like it did all those weeks ago, bringing him back to the present, keeping his mind off the upsetting trial of remembering, of asking himself so many questions that he does not have the answer for.

“Good morning Selin, I’m so glad you called.”

******

Driving to the office made him feel better, calmer, like nothing had changed, his life was as he knew it, save for one teeny-tiny little thing. He wasn’t driving _his_ car. Serkan had always been fond of fast cars, fascinated by their speed and appearance, which is why he took his sweet time choosing his beloved BMW. Weird as it may seem, given his otherwise cold-hearted nature, he _loved_ his car, had a very special relationship with it, since it was the only place he could be alone with his thoughts and feel the thrill of speed he so had missed, at the same time.

As always, the first person to greet him when he finally arrived at the company, was Leyla. Just the person he needed to see and ask about his car. However, he girl’s expression instantly changed from moderately happy to downright frightened in a matter of seconds after he asked her.

“I feel like I’m not the person that should answer that question, Serkan Bey.” She finally uttered, after what seemed to be an hour of deep thought. She then cleared her throat and added “Please forgive me, Serkan Bey, I know you’re back to your old self now and I can see you are getting angry, but I do not wish to—Oh god help us!”

“Leyla, what are you talking about, where is my car?” Now she looks like she’s seen a ghost, turning visibly pale, while her gaze is frozen somewhere behind him and she takes small, hasty steps to the back. He turns around in hopes of understanding what the hell is happening when he sees it. _Her_. Them.

Serkan makes his way to the door to make sure his eyes aren’t playing those weird games again. For the first time since that cursed kiss, since he saw her face that hunted his dreams and thoughts all this time, he wishes this to be another stupid vision. He wishes that she didn’t look so, _so good_ next to his car, that she didn’t smile to the valet, that her eyes weren’t hidden behind her sunglasses, because he had been looking forward to seeing them again. Just to make sure that it was just his imagination playing with him last night, because no set of eyes can look so beautiful, can trigger so much feeling, can speak volumes, looking straight into his soul.

It takes less than a second for her to see him, as if she could feel his presence at the door before actually setting her eyes on him. Making her way towards it, Eda removes her glasses and Serkan immediately regrets his earlier thought. Her brilliant eyes that had so easily imprinted themselves somewhere deep in his head, in that stupid, stupid head of his, barely hold their past glory. They look tired, resigned almost, while her subtle make-up can barely cover up the fact that they’re swollen, filled with tears already at the mere sighting of his person.

Something inside him snaps just then. His heart starts aching again, but now it’s different than what it felt like yesterday, it’s a stronger, sharper pain that makes his knees weak and his head light. He tries keep his sudden, inexplicable vulnerability to himself, tries to look as unaffected as possible by her presence, but it seems like she knows him too well, because she’s headed towards _him_ now. And for the first time it dawns to him how unfair it is, that she can see right through him, when he knows so little about her.

Eda stops next to him, not too close though, not like yesterday, when she invaded his personal space with not so much as a second of thought. Today she’s keeping her distance, as if afraid to go near him again after his reaction to her proximity last night. A strong wave of regret comes after that realization, the thought of deliberately hurting her, making her cry and driving her away. Which doesn’t make sense because that is exactly what he wanted. _To drive her away_ , make her get out of his life, so that he can continue living where he left off, without her changing anything. _Everything._

He never meant to hurt her though. That was not what he was trying to do and now that he has done it, he knows he _didn’t want to_. He _never_ wants to see her eyes that way again, never wants her to look at him like she does right now, with tears escaping from the corners of her eyes.

“Are you okay?” She asks and now he’s even more confused than he was earlier because-- _how can she ask that to him?_ How can her voice drip with genuine concern, when he knows that he is the reason behind her tears, he is the reason why there has been a sad expression over her face ever since he came back. Can that be a lie? 

It’s making him sick. The confusion, her behavior. Her too-good-for-this-world nature, the fact that even after seeing him propose to another woman, when two months ago he was about to marry her, she still has the guts to show that she’s worried about him. No person can be that kind.

His anger takes over him and he ignores her question, moving past her and grabbing his car keys out of the valet’s hands. A second before driving away, he turns around to see her, but the door is already closed behind her.

****

So much for feeling better while working. He can’t.

After a long, refreshing ride with his car by the sea, Serkan decided that it was time to put on a brave face, go back to work and try to put his life back in order. For as long as he remembered, working was the cure to every problem he faced, because it made him feel calm, less stressed and at the end, he always managed to find his issue’s solution.

What happens when the problem is his own self though? When the only person he ever completely trusted managed to screw up his life so badly, in such a short amount of time. It seems like a really bad joke, all these people he has known for so long, his best friends, telling him how he much he had changed and doing so without hiding their fondness, their oh-so-obvious preference between these two versions of him. All except for Selin.

She had been the one person that seemed to understand him, to want him to stay the way he was right now, the way he has always been, save for the last couple of months. When he finally asked her about Eda, back in their safe little cabin, Selin had hesitated to answer. Back then, it looked like she spoke of the past with a sullen expression because she felt sorry for him, for the mistakes he made by trusting in that woman, by being so blindly manipulated by her, while she was driven away. However, the possibility of so easily becoming someone’s victim seemed as impossible as falling in love.

But back then, he hadn’t seen her face. Hadn’t felt her influence on him, the way she kept slipping in his thoughts, her and her damned eyes. Maybe that was part of her plan, to seduce him and then wrap him around her fingers again.

He has been sitting in his office alone, thankfully, for a while now, thinking about the story Engin told him the other day, the parts that were different from the one Selin told him. They mostly had to do with the replacement of the word _manipulation_ for the word _love_. His best friend, the person who probably knew him the better than anyone, kept repeating how much in love he is - _was_ \- with Eda and how she had made him a better, happier person.

And maybe all of that was true. Or none of it. He didn’t know what to believe because he has never had to deal with such a situation before. When in doubt, the only thing he ever trusted were his own eyes, his memories, his thoughts. But what he saw was a woman who has been in his life for less than a year, claiming that they were in love and getting married, when the last thing he remembers is being in a relationship with Selin and thinking that marriage is a big waste of time.

He has to hear the story again. From _her_ this time.

It’s the only way he can see for himself whose version was true, Selin’s talk of a vicious woman that hid behind a pretty façade, or Engin’s tale of romance and an angelic figure that turned his life around. He has to laugh then. The world he knows is no place for angels and maybe that’s the answer he was looking for. The real story must be the most sensible one and it's quite clear which was too far-fetched.

Looking down at the laptop he cannot use because she wouldn’t tell him the stupid password, he struggles to remember the numbers. _Pfft_. A star she said and she looked serious, like what she said wasn’t as ridiculous as it sounded. He looks at his watch impatiently, what’s taking her so long?

“She’s gone to your mother’s house Serkan Bey” Leyla had informed him, as soon as he came back from his drive, even though he _didn’t ask_ about her, but his eyes _were_ scanning the office up and down for her and his loyal secretary must have picked up on that. Growing all the more impatient, he decides that he should, at the very least, get another job done.

He has to buy an engagement ring.

****

Long after the jeweller leaves, happy to have sold yet another expensive ring to him, as he so boldly stated, Serkan is still sitting in his office chair, playing with the piece of jewellery in his hands. Sudden movement and whispers from the other room make him lift his head towards them and _finally_ , Miss Eda is back.

What kind of business could she possibly have with his mother? The Aydan he knows would never accept such a woman for him, a girl who used to be a florist and currently holds 45% of his company. And yet it seemed that Eda and his mother had a good relationship, because during his brief conversation with his mother on the phone all those weeks ago, she sounded actually sad that she could not tell Eda that he’s alive. Maybe she had fallen under her charm as well, he came to know the power of it from up close and he hasn’t been as unaffected as he hoped to himself.

He closes his eyes and hers are still there, only after this morning, they’ve lost their fire, that mesmerising glow that made his skin burn. He’s standing there - _when did he get up?_ \- like an idiot with his eyes closed, thinking how hers looked earlier today and wondering if they’ll still be that way now, when she enters their office.

“Hi.” She says and she’s calm, like nothing has happened, like she’s casually greeting a business partner, like she hasn’t been in his head for days on end, the thought of her keeping him up at night. Whatever talk she had with his mother must have made her feel better, because she looks even stronger now, _determined_ he thinks and he’s terrifies at the thought of her next move.

After setting her purse on the desk, she turns around to look at him and he has to act quick, because she’ll see that he has no reason to be frozen on that spot, following her moves. So he sits back down, pretending to be busy reading a report, as she makes her way to him.

“I know it means nothing to you, but after last night, I cannot wear this.” She sets her ring, a much bigger, much better than the one he just bought, on the table. Her voice breaks a little as she says it and he wonders if she is that good a liar, or actually feels betrayed by his actions. He says nothing, even though he would never take a gift back, but this is a special occasion and if he’s being completely honest with himself, he’s afraid of telling her to keep it.

It might give her the wrong impression; she might want to fight him and he wouldn’t bare to see her cry because of him again, but most importantly, he’s unable to tell her no. It’s strange and stupid to think of, but try as he has, he cannot deny her, not her simpler requests at least.

He realizes that this is the third time today that she talks to him and he doesn’t have the guts to answer back. _Just what is this woman doing to him?_ He can’t take his eyes off her as she walks away from him and slowly settles in the chair opposite his.

“Uuum, I—this is—Ms Eda. I need you to remind me…” She looks up at him, her eyes glinting with hope and he’s going to get caught up in them again if he keeps looking, so he avoids her stare and looks down at his desk. “The password. My computer’s password, remind me the numbers.”

He’s impressed by himself, by the fact that he didn’t lose his nerve or just sat there, looking at her like a creep, but his excitement makes him forget and he looks at her again and yeah, now he’s screwed. There’s plain pain in her eyes again, like his words physically hurt her.

“49-31-38-1” She mutters, in one breath, probably thinking that he would forget it again, but he’s so focused on her, so ready to listen to anything she has to say, that he’s going to remember those numbers for years. He can feel them making space for themselves in his head, right next to her eyes and her smell and her taste.

He shakes his head softly, trying not to think about her at all. Work. He should get some work done, that always took his mind off things.

*****

It’s been hours since they last talked, hours since he last dared to take a peak at what she’s doing and he’s terrified to realize that he _wants_ to. He craves to see her face again, her bottom lip under her teeth as she bites it while drawing, her eyes that are trying not to be caught staring at him and travelled frantically around the room every time he lifted his head.

He reaches over his pocket to feel the small box carrying the ring for Selin. Then his gaze drops on the other one, the huge, pink, flower-shaped one that still sits untouched in front of him. His fingers instinctively search for its match on his right hand, the ring that has her name carved onto it, but it isn’t there. Of course not.

He amuses himself by thinking what her reaction would be if he gave her that ring back, just as she did with hers. She’d probably kill him right on the spot, or worse, she’d start crying and he would wish he were dead instead. What a cruel thought, a voice inside him whispers and he feels sorry for himself. He’s going crazy.

“Leyla!” He calls, startling Eda and making her jump at his sudden outburst, but she does not turn to look at him. _Good._

The girl half-runs half-walks to his side, wearing a cautious expression, as she asks how she can help him. He has to relax, calm down and be the professional he knows himself to be. He makes his request to Leyla, who is trying -for whatever reason- to hide a smile and before leaving, she looks at Eda, but she’s too focused on her work to notice the other girl’s raised eyebrows.

It is when his secretary comes back that Eda addresses him again. “Are you alright?” She’s smiling too and he really doesn’t get it what is so funny about water and lemon?

“Yes.” That was a little cold, maybe he should say something else. “Lemon with water, as well as the smell of lemon, help reduce stress.” He informs her and now her smile is as wide as that first one she gave him, the first day he saw her.

“Where did you learn that from?” She asks and her eyes - _her eyes._ They’re shining so bright, he’d happily study them for hours, if her question didn’t shake the ground under his feet. _Where indeed_.

The remedy just popped in his head when he tried to think of ways to relax. He knows he hasn’t read about it, knows none of his doctors recommended it, knows his mother never made him drink it when he was a kid. He really doesn’t know the answer, so he just looks at her, hoping she would dismiss it, pretend she can’t see his struggle trying to remember.

And she does, sort of. She gives him a mysterious smile, rises up and strolls slowly out of the room, leaving him alone.

He doesn’t have the time or the energy to even try and understand what happened, or what seeing her happy made him feel. He’s late already for a meeting with Mr Fikret, an old client of his that wants to remodel his house. He should also talk to Selin.

*****

The situation is getting out of hand on so many different topics and he’s really regretting coming back to Istanbul. He had the impression things would get better as time passed, that he’d be able to piece his life back together in no time. He’s starting to see how that might not be the case, though.

First of all, his talk with Selin didn’t go as planned. He has always been a man of confidence, taking decisions both in his life and job only after making sure he was ready for them, that they were what he wanted. He certainly isn’t ready for marriage, but he feels like he owes it to Selin to try and be there for her, as she had been there for him, even after the way he treated her.

That’s why he tries to look positive and happy when he gives Selin the ring, after he calls her to his office. He may have been smart enough to wait for Eda to leave before getting to the point, but he was insensitive enough not to get her ring out of sight while sliding the other on Selin’s finger. He knows she saw it, he knows she’s trying not to address it and yet he finds himself wishing she had, because there’s a glimpse of jealousy in her eyes as they fall on it.

“Serkan I’m so happy, I’ve been waiting for you to do this for so long!” She says and he knows she means it, he might have forgotten a lot of things, but Selin’s feelings for him seem to be the one thing that has not changed in the last year. Holding on to that invariable constant is all he can do to keep his sanity at this point, so he smiles back at her and holds her tight in his arms.

“Me too. I’m happy” He whispers in her ear and he repeats it so many times in his own head, because she isn’t the only one he has to convince. Her body’s warmth is reassuring, it is making the fire in him go out and even while he’s embracing his fiancé, this person that means so much to him, he can’t get _her_ out of his mind.

Did Eda teach him about water with lemon? How was it when he proposed to _her_? How did she look? Did her eyes do that thing that makes him lose his mind? Was she smiling, was she crying, was she happy? Was _he_ happy?

It’s all too much for him to wrap his head around. These questions that he shouldn’t be asking himself for so many different reasons, but he knows that he needs them answered before moving on with his life. Making a stupid excuse to Selin in order to leave, Serkan practically runs out of the building, his mind finally made; he’s going to talk to _her._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little heads up: this is sad, kinda boring and surprisingly big.

The first person he needs to call is his mother. He means to ask her for Eda’s address, or maybe her phone number, even though he could get both from Leyla, when he asked her of Eda’s whereabouts, but something is holding him back, he needs to talk this through with a person that he knows wants what is best for him. And his mother has proved her loyalty to him and his wishes by not ratting him out after he called her to let her know he’s fine, despite her unexpected fondness of the girl.

It occurs to him that this whole amnesia incident has made him lose his faith in people even more so, seeing that he actually needed proof to trust his own mother. He climbs in his car, takes his cell out of his pocket, dialling the number by heart and ready to press call, when his finger freezes above the little green icon and a wave of shame passes through him as he remembers the last time he called her. It was four days after plane crashed.

The fisherman that found him half dead on the beach had offered his phone so he could call whoever he wanted when he came to his senses. And of course, it was his mother that he first thought of, his poor mother that must have gone crazy knowing he was missing for four whole days, but could do nothing to help, remaining locked in the house.

Back then, when he held the phone in his hands, his fingers didn’t travel across the keyboard by instinct as they did just now. That’s because he didn’t know the number. Never in his life had he felt more ashamed of himself. He could blame the accident or his shock all he wanted, but the truth was he had not cared enough to learn that number by heart, rarely bothered to call his mother because he was always too busy with work. Which is why Selin’s business cell number was so easy to remember. Why Selin was the first person he called after waking up.

Serkan presses call and waits. “Mom. Are you at home?” It feels weird to ask her about that now, she was _always_ home for so long and how she came to overpower her fears is yet another thing he wishes he could remember. “I need to talk to you, it’s serious.”

“Of course dear, I’m waiting for you.” She sounds unimpressed by his words, like she had been waiting for him long before he called, like she already knows what their topic is going to be.

***

His eyes fill with tears as they travel back and forth from the screen, to his mother and back at the screen. It’s from the camera at the front gate and the date at the bottom right corner reads August 19, 2020. He has no memory of that date, yet it now holds such a special place in his heart.

In the video, his mother is wearing a blindfold and behind her stands Eda, as they slowly make their way towards the gate and Aydan steps out of the house for the first time after so many years, even if she didn’t know it at the time. The camera feed ends and another video starts playing.

She is bathed in sunlight, but it matters not, because her smile is bright enough to blind him anyway. _“Mrs. Aydan I hope you’re not angry…”_

He turns back at his mother, ready to ask her ‘are you seeing this’ but her eyes are glued on him, telling him that she has watched it a million times already, that this is no news to her, that she can exit her house without a blindfold now. But most importantly, her eyes tell him that it’s okay he does not remember it, that he was there for her, after, even if he can’t remember that either. And although she is not aware that he didn’t know her phone number, he feels like she’s forgiving him about that too, about all his errors against her and inwardly, he vows to pay more attention from now on.

He hugs her as Eda’s voice can still be heard from the device that sits somewhere near his feet. _“I wanted you to see that you can do something you thought you couldn’t…”_

It seems fitting, _right,_ that her voice is accompanying this moment. Soothing and warm like the morning sun, it makes him feel blessed, glad to be alive, to be able to feel this joy and his arms hug his mother tighter because he needs to right then. Maybe they had hugged before, when he saw this video for the first time, but he doesn’t care at all, because for him -this him- _it is news,_ And his joy is profound.

“It’s all _her_ baby, can you see it now?” She asks and he’s not sure of what to answer, but it doesn’t matter, because she adds “That girl brought us closer, she came into our lives and made them better, happier. We were barely living before her, the two of us; you were obsessed with work and I was too afraid to step out of my own door.”

He never expected his mother to like someone so different from them, someone other than Selin to be more specific, let alone this girl that drove him away from her. And yet she speaks of Eda with love and pride, as if she were talking about her own daughter.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I have a few questions and I need them answered honestly.” So he asks. And asks. And he keeps on asking about everything that he missed, although it seems his mother has very little information about his actions during the time before he met _her_ , as opposed to the endless stories of _after_.

She tells him about their fake engagement, her first impression upon meeting Eda, about their little quarrels and their big fights, how with time, she came to accept Eda for who she was, not despite it. She repeats what he told her and his father when he announced them of his _real_ relationship with her and how she still wanted to help his mother with agoraphobia even after their break-up.

“Why? Why did I break up with her if I was so in love her, as you all claim? Why would she help you if we both behaved so badly to her?” He really doesn’t get them, her actions, _his_.

“People like her don’t need a reason to be kind, son.” Her eyes are full of tears now. “They do it because it’s who they are. That’s how they love, _unconditionally_.”

Those words are far too deep and emotional -downright cheesy- for his liking and Serkan came here to get less confused before facing Eda. “You’re avoiding my other question.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes… and now you’re avoiding my eyes as well.” He raises his eyebrows and waits for her to look him in the eyes again. He somehow got really good at reading them, _her eyes,_ he can tell if they’re lying, what they’re feeling, whether they _hide_ something. And this pair definitely is.

“It’s really… I—it is best if you let Eda tell you this herself. You can trust her.” She raises a hand to stop him from talking “I know you you think you can’t, not yet at least, but this is not a matter that one lies about. Especially Eda. You’ll get it when she tells you.”

Well, he is officially confused, now. What a great mystery, that woman. All women he realizes, but he can’t afford to sit and contemplate upon it for long, because Aydan stands and makes a gesture with her hands, signalling him to leave.

“What, why, where are you going?”

“I’ve spent more than a decade in this house Serkan, I have to make up for the lost time!” She exclaims happily and it feels good to see her like this, excited at the prospect of seeing the outside world again.

“Oh. Right. I… I guess I’ll see you then.” He doesn’t really feel like leaving, this conversation has put an odd sense of serenity on his mind and letting it go is hard. But he cannot ask it of her, even though he knows she’d say yes if he told her to stay a bit longer.

“Well of course you will, darling, you live next door.”

“Heh, yeah. You’re right.” He laughs and stands too, slowly walking to the door when her voice stops him.

“Serkan”

“Yes?”

“Listen to her. _Believe_ her.” She doesn’t need to elaborate or speak a name for him to understand who she’s talking about.

“I’ll try.” And he will, truly. He’s seeing now that he owes it to her, if not for what she might have meant to _him_ , definitely for what Eda means to his mother, as a thanks for this great gift she’s given them.

*****

This whole ordeal, that should probably annoy the hell out of him, strangely doesn’t. It actually feels familiar, _almost_ like a memory, driving all around town, looking for Eda. Maybe he should have called her right away, after leaving his mother’s house, but he really doubted she would answer.

After obtaining the little piece of paper with Eda’s house address and cell number from Aydan, Serkan thought that talking to her in person was the best course of action. So he drove to her house and knocked the door, finally _ready_ to face her.

Problem is she wasn’t there.

Or at least that’s what her roommate told him and he knew she wasn’t lying, because people usually weren’t so happy to see him and yet Melo, as she insisted he call her, was positively beaming with excitement at the sight of him. They must have been close, before, from what he gathered by her manner when they talked and she informed him of Eda’s plans to visit Deniz, the guy whose cafeteria they used for his welcome home party.

Her features grew harder then, as if she had forgotten for a moment what he did that night, how he had hurt her best friend. From that point on, Melo was distant and vague, obviously remorseful of sharing the information she had, but they both knew she couldn’t take it back.

“Promise you won’t hurt her again.” She answered when he asked her to do the same and not notify Eda of his coming there.

“I’ll try.” He repeated and left again.

Eda wasn't at the cafeteria either,though. He briefly questioned whether Melo broke her part of their deal, then dismissed it because it didn’t matter, she had every right to be more loyal to her friend than to him, after all. As he was standing by the door with the ‘closed’ sign on it, thinking of his next move, thinking that maybe this was a sign not to talk to her, _not today_ , an older woman approached him.

Serkan recognized her from last night’s party and her resemblance to _her_ made him think she was her mother. Despite _his_ mother’s extensive briefing about her, she was very careful not to make any mentions of her family, a thing he’s only now realizing, as he drives home and plays their conversation over and over again in his head, seeing he was right, _today is not the day_.

_“Serkan? What’s your business here?” The woman asked him, not even trying to hold back her anger._

_“I…” He had the feeling he was going to be in trouble if he said the wrong thing. “I’m looking for Eda, I need to talk t—”_

_“There’s nothing to talk about! You’re the_ last _thing Eda needs to deal with right now, please leave.”_

_“You don’t understand, I don’t mean t—”_

_“To do what? Hurt her? Humiliate her? I have heard these words from you before Serkan and here you are again, messing with her feelings!” She looked furious then, ready to make him pay for all these broken promises he didn’t even remember giving her._

_“I’m sorry, but I really don’t know what you’re talking about, Mrs. Yildiz.” He took a shot, that must have been her name_.

_Turned out to be the wrong thing to do though, because she started laughing. A cold, humourless laugh, the was nothing funny about. “Ayfer. My name is Ayfer, I’m Eda’s aunt.” The woman informed and she turned around to leave._

_“Mrs. Ayfer, please! I have to see her, try and understand me. There are things I want to ask her.” He pleaded and she must have known him well enough to know that it was desperation his voice betrayed._

_She faced him again and her own voice broke as she spoke to him, a shame that he didn’t know her well enough to understand what caused her anger to fade. “You should have done that when you came back, Serkan Bey. Before, actually! You should have come back long ago, when she couldn’t stop crying enough to eat, when she locked herself in your room for days on end.” Ayfer paused and wiped away her tears. “You should have never_ left _, Serkan!”_

The wails of a woman whose name he just learned shouldn’t hurt him so deep, but they do. She’s the first person who talked of Eda that way. The only one who didn’t praise her strength or made her sound like an otherworldly creature that made the rest of them poor mortals look like nothing.

Ayfer talked of a girl, a human being, that had weaknesses and cried and felt bad and got sick and needed protection. And the fact that she was offering it, that she was protecting Eda, even from him, made a piece of Serkan’s heart swell with relief. A really small one. Because the rest of it is breaking to millions of little pieces at her words.

****

A coward, that’s what he is.

He’s finally making his peace with it, being able to admit it with no doubts after half a bottle of whiskey. His encounter with Eda's aunt made him much less ready to see her than he was when he left Aydan's house. It wasn't like he thought less of Eda now that he knew what she went through while he was away. If anything, she looked stronger than ever now, in his eyes, knowing that she managed to get back on her feet, to hope for his safe return and keep his - _their_ \- company alive while he was gone. And that was what stopped him from calling her; he didn't dare face her now that he saw all she has done for him and his family, now that he knows how unfairly he treated her.

 _Pathetic_ , a voice in his head tells him and… yeah, he agrees. Never before has his life been such a mess. Well, that’s not entirely true, his childhood was no bed of roses, but at least then he had no control over it. Now, this - _this_ _chaos-_ in his life, in his work, in his _head_ , it’s all on him. Maybe Eda’s aunt was right, he thinks, for the first time since the accident, maybe he should have never left. “What was I even doing in Italy on my wedding day?” He asks aloud, but there’s no one there to answer him, not even Sirius. They used to have all sorts of fun talks, the two of them, but he too was able to see that Eda was better. Than him, than Selin, than everyone really. _Eda is the best_ he drunkenly thinks and laughs at his childish statement, because otherwise he’d start crying and there’s been enough of that.

Serkan stands to—well, he’s not sure what he meant to do, but his eye catches an old blue book sitting on the self in his library and oddly, he recognizes it. He doesn’t know how it’s made its way here, but he knows that he’s been looking for this edition for a long time.

He grabs it and opens the first page. There’s a beautifully drawn sketch of the Little Prince and underneath it, with neatly styled letters, the phrase: _“Small steps, big shadows.”_ He can’t explain how, but he knows it’s hers. She made this, she gave it to him, he can feel it in his heart, even if he has no memory that supports his theory, he just _knows_. And as if to confirm it, a Polaroid drops from the book, a picture of her in a blue shirt - _his shirt_ \- smiling down at the camera, while her right hand is extended in front of her, reaching for him.

Serkan closes his eyes and looks for her. He digs his brain for an image, a flash of a memory, anything at all, a sign that he can still hope. And for a while there’s nothing, but he’s nothing if not persistent, so he takes a good look at the photo and tries again. And again. And once more.

A horrible -probably drunk as fuck- part of himself is actually aroused by seeing her in his clothes, with nothing underneath them. And he feels guilty about it. Another Serkan might have seen a lot more than that, felt and done unspeakable things to her, _with her_ , but he hasn’t. It feels like he’s invading her privacy and adds the adjective disgusting to his previous statement.

He’s a _disgusting_ coward.

It is while slowly drowning in self pity and hatred, that his brain graces him with what is probably the most beautiful image he’s ever seen.

 _She’s sleeping peacefully in his arms and her face, her perfect, perfect face, rests on his chest, while her hands are hugging his waist._ It’s more than a mere image, he realizes, because he can _feel_ her _. Her warm body curled around him, her nails digging into his side as she clenches her fists, urging him to hold her tighter, even while asleep._

 _And he does. Snaking an arm around her waist, he pulls her closer and marvels at the sound of her humming, almost like a purr in his neck, her warm breath on his pulse making him hot all over again. A hand -_ his hand, the ring sits on his finger like it belongs there- _moves to her face and pulls a strand of hair out of her eyes. But he’s too clumsy and she’s awake now, he can feel her body coming to life, as if it were his own. Her eyes are about to open_ _and—_ It’s all gone. He’s back at his house, sprawled on the floor and drunk, with one hand brought forward, frozen mid-air.

It’s petting the side of a face that is invisible to him right now, yet he knows will _never leave his mind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I can't do happiness.  
> Anyways, thanks for reading, imma crawl to my little corner and cry now.


	4. Chapter 4

He’s lying on what has to be the bed, although he doesn’t recall getting there last night. Everything is kind of a blur after finding that book and that picture and seeing her face clearly in a memory for the first time. It makes sense to him now, why his own head was withholding that particular detail all this long, it must be kept safe, _treasured_ , far in the depths of his mind.

The sunlight falling on his face makes his headache even stronger and his body feels heavy and too warm for comfort, but he’s in too much pain as it is, so he remains still with his eyes closed. A dull little noise, like a phone vibrating, travels to his ears and it _just won’t stop_ , he has to find it and turn it off, maybe throw it out of the window too, for good measure.

He hesitantly opens one eyelid, ready for the familiar burn that looking straight into the sun causes and his breath catches in his throat, because he was _not ready_ for what he sees. It’s _her._

Just like he saw her last night, sleeping in his arms, her face nestled by his neck and her hands holding him tight. He knows it to be a dream, or a memory, or whatever the hell it was that he saw last night, he doesn’t care, he only wants it to last longer. To see her eyes open and gawk at her reaction of him being the first thing she sees when she wakes up. Did she smile at him then, _when_ the memory came from? Did she kiss him? He might have, her lips are endearingly close to his, he’d barely have to move.

But he’s scared of it ending again, as suddenly as it started, so his hands remain still, his whole body is frozen, as if the thought alone of movement will ruin this. He’s sure it’s a dream now, because he can alter it and he’s sort of sorry about it because if it were a memory, it meant more would come, more of these moments would spur into his mind, until not one remained unseen.

Serkan is holding his breath and waiting patiently for her to wake on her own, to finally open those brilliant eyes of hers and see him. What a wonderful nightmare this is, he thinks and his lungs burn with the lack of oxygen, he’ll have to take a breath soon and ruin everything by moving again. An idea hits him: if this is going to end soon anyway, he might as well make the most out of it.

So he angles his head as fast as he can and kisses her on the lips.

He doesn’t know why he felt the need to do it, but his heart is relishing at the feel of her mouth against his. It’s beating so fast and loud he’s getting dizzy, while the constant _thump_ of his pulse in his ears is doing nothing for his hangover head. He opens his eyes, ready to put an end to this dream, because he knows he wouldn’t handle it if she kissed him back and it’s okay he won’t get to see her wake up, he got way more than he deserved already.

But she’s still there.

He releases the breath he’s been holding and she’s still there. He shakes his head, closes his eyes and opens them again and she’s there. He moves his hand and touches her cheek and she’s there. He turns to his side, moving her with him to free his right arm and hold her face with both hands and… _yep, she’s still here._

It wasn’t a dream, this is _actually happening_ , she is here in bed with him and she looks so fucking good there, like she was made to lie in it, by his side. Serkan is so shocked by this unexpected turn of events, that he almost misses it, when her eyes open.

It’s hazy and sleepy the look she gives him, but her lips instantly curl into a soft smile, showing off her perfect teeth and then she breaks free of his hold to bury her nose deeper in his neck, kissing him so gently, he might have imagined that as well.

“Good morning my love.” She mumbles, her lips definitely brushing against his skin and… _it’s doing things to him_. All of it. Her eyes, her smile, her lips, her words. Just— _her._

He doesn’t answer. He can’t think, let alone speak and if she asked him what his name is, he probably wouldn’t be able to answer to that either. Overwhelmed. That’s what he is feeling, along with other, _darker_ things that he’s barely able to ignore anymore, but he has to, or this is going to get very real, very fast.

He remains glued there, one hand still touching the side of her face as if afraid to move again, but with much greater fear this time. For when he decides to speak, this little bubble will burst and Eda’s eyes will grow dimmer with disappointment over his still-not-quite-back memory.

While Serkan is trying to decide how to approach this issue, she seems to slowly regain her consciousness, because her body tenses and she raises her head to look at him, eyes wide-open in … _surprise_? Then joy, mixed with a bit of fear. Turning into plain expectation and something else, stronger, dominating all others. Something he hasn’t seen in her eyes since that first time -for him- they met, as she was walking towards him.

And now he sees a cunning glint in them, while one eyebrow raises. “You’re supposed to say it back. Or have you forgotten that too?” Eda teases and she doesn’t need to ask if he remembers, his plain look and awkward gawking gave him away immediately.

“I’ve forgotten so much already, I think that doesn’t even count.”

She actually laughs. A low, too-cute-for-her-own-good chuckle escapes her mouth and he’s glad she sees a funny side to this, because it really wasn’t meant as a joke. At the bottom of the endless list of things that he doesn’t remember, Serkan adds last night, probably with more regret than any other item. He sees her move from beneath him and she sits up, her back against the headboard, looking at him carefully.

“What’s wrong?” She saw right through him again, didn’t she? He’s growing tired of this, people he hadn’t known until 48 hours ago, understanding him so well, even if he doesn’t utter a word about his feelings. And it’s that thought that urges him to ask.

“Why are you here Eda?” He cannot pretend with her, she’d know it, sooner or later and if what he’s learned about their past is true, she deserves nothing less than his raw honesty. Because she expects the same treatment from her, now he finally found her and can talk to her privately.

“Huh? What are you ta—You called me here.” She’s yelling now and it makes more than just his head hurt, as if his whole body is revolting against it.

“I… I’m sorry, but I don’t…” He doesn’t get to finish his sentence and Eda is getting out of bed, taking all her delicious warmth with her. She stands by the bed, hands on her hips and looks down at him with anger. He’s getting a strong sense of déjà-vu as he looks up at her and if they weren’t in the middle of an argument, he might have taken the time to examine it.

“Of course you don’t remember. Why would you? It’s not like I mean anything to you, right? I’m a stranger to you, you told me so yourself and I’m… I was stupid enough to come here last night!” Her voice is breaking and tears threaten to run down her eyes, while her anger is getting out of control and she locks her eyes on a lamp that sits on his bedside table.

“Eda can you please calm down, this isn’t easy for me neither.”

“Oh sorry, did I hurt your feelings over and over again after letting you think I was _dead_ for 2 months?” She spits, full of irony that hardly covers up the pain underneath, as she grabs hold of the lamp and smashes against the wall next him.

“I’m sorry! Okay? I’m sorry I don’t remember you and I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Her face softens for a bit and he thinks he can make it, calm her down and then talk to her without cries and shouts and pain and broken glass all over the floor. “I didn’t mean to hurt you and I didn’t mean to call you here last night, at that state, so can—"

“You didn’t mean to call me? How can you just sit there and say the same sh—You know, I thought you had changed. That after everything we went through, you weren’t as insensitive and cold as you were when I met you. But now I can see it.”

“See what?” He asks, low-key insulted by her harsh tone, because _so much_ has changed in him already and he only met her the day before yesterday.

She looks resigned when her hands point at his general direction. “You. _This_ is the real you. You hadn’t changed, you are the same _heartless_ , _emotionless robot that ruined my life_! I was too blind to see it then, but now it’s clear.” Serkan feels like he’s missing basic information that were necessary to understand how she came to that conclusion.

But then her words register in his head and it hurts to have someone call him out like that. To see the worst in him and claim that’s all there is. To have this girl, whose strength and kindness he’s come to admire from afar, from the stories of the people he loves most in this world, describe him that way. Serkan feels… he really doesn’t even know anymore. Her words just hurt him so damn much and he wants in to stop, this pain, this hot knife stubbing so deep into his heart.

Because he has one, a heart. She’s wrong about him.

But she shouldn’t have been, _not her_. She should have known him better than anyone, understood him better than anyone. It’s true he wasn’t the warmest of people, but that’s only because he needs time to open himself up to someone, so to call him heartless and insensitive is a lousy overstatement and it means that she doesn’t know him as well she claims.

And that made him think that maybe _he_ was wrong about _her_. Well, originally right, but yeah, wrong about her. Maybe she isn’t as good as she appears, maybe she doesn’t deserve a chance to make him remember. Maybe they’re both better off like this, apart. And his pain now turns into anger, because that’s easier to handle, more familiar.

“A robot, huh? So that’s what you think of me. That’s what our _great love_ was all about, then? You just insulted me in my face and made me feel guilty for who I am? Tried to change me so I’d fit to your standards?” Now his tone is harsh too, but he really can’t help it.

“I tried t—No. It doesn’t matter, because I didn’t, now did I? You’re still you, back to your old self, your only self, perhaps.” Her mouth moves without making any sounds, like she’s trying to come up with something more to say, but can’t quite find the words. Then she looks him straight in the eye and he can see her pupils dilate, she’s probably come up with another insult for him. He’s ready for it, he thinks, what could she say that’s worse, after all?

“We can both act like the last year hasn’t even happened, like we’ve never met. But obviously you’re there already. I’m sorry it took so long to get on the same page.” A tear drops from her eye and slowly rolls down her face to join the wetness of her mouth. “I just wish it were that easy for me too.”

Yeah, that’s _definitely worse_.

As if to make matters just plan horrible, his phone rings again and it’s Selin. “You should probably get that, you know, your fiancé missed you.” She mumbles that last part, its double meaning not lost on either of them. “You are… perfect for each other” Eda adds with a strong helping of bitterness he hadn’t expected of her, as she picks up her bag and makes to leave.

He’s utterly speechless. After his pathetic little outbreak earlier, he has nothing much to say anymore. He doesn’t even know if he wants to, to find the words to make her stay, or do as she says and let her leave.

“Eda!” He exclaims, but he’s not sure why, he’s just stalling her departure because he has to. He needs time to decide what he wants, but she’s not giving him any.

She turns around, eyes full of hope for a quarter of a second, until they meet his dazed ones and they lose their light again.

“Don’t. Please, I really can’t take it anymore; to see you like this, to be around you but not near you, after everything we….” A small pause, in which she seems to gather her thoughts and she continues. “I’m going to Italy. I need to get away, from this – _you_. You can have my shares if you still want them. They used to be Selin’s anyway. Consider it an early wedding gift from me.” There’s a small smile painting her features, one that speaks of loss and disappointment.

“I’ll come by the company to sort out the details tomorrow.” And with that, she’s gone.

****

The headache is only getting stronger by time and every little sound in the office makes him want to _scream_. He holds up against his forehead the glass of water he’s been looking at for the past three hours or so, maybe he’s coming down with a cold, but he knows it to be psychological.

It’s already midday when Serkan realizes that she meant it, she’s going away. He came to work in hopes of seeing her and it’s not like he knew what he was going to do when they met again, because he’s still so very confused about what he wants, but he knows he doesn’t want her to leave. To just exit his life as quickly as she entered it.

It’s funny to think about, if ones has a crappy sense of humour, how he spent the better part of the last two months thinking of ways to do exactly that. And now that she’s doing it voluntarily, he wants to take it back. To unsay whatever it was that made her say _enough_ , because he really needs her to be patient until he comes up with a decision.

He sees it then, why she called him insensitive. He was going to ask Eda, the woman he was about to marry a few weeks ago, to stay on hold, while he was deciding if he wanted to _try_ and be in with her, get to know her, without thinking if she could or wanted to do that. Pretend that she was only now getting to know him, go through that stage of their relationship again, with no guarantee that it would work out this time. From what his mother said, it barely worked out last and that was mostly because of strong feeling on both sides.

And even though it didn’t seem as impossible as before, there was no guarantee that he would love her again. Not for reasons related to her as much as to him. Serkan had never said the words ‘I love you’ to a woman other than his mom and that was a rare occurrence too. They’ve always meant too much for him, something sacred that needed to be uttered only when it was 110% true, when there was nothing holding him back from saying it.

So, how could he ask her to do that? _Wait for a maybe_?

A double one at that. Maybe he’ll choose her and maybe they can get to where they were before the accident, but he’s not sure about either of them.

No matter how strong Eda or her love is, that’s a downright cruel thing to do. Especially since he’s made everything worse with the addition of Selin in this list of issues. He puts himself in her position. In the last 3 days, the man she loves came back from the dead with an amnesia that made him forget her and he’s back together with his ex-girlfriend, to whom he proposed to right in front of her eyes.

What an _insensitive bastard_ indeed. He’s the bad guy in this story, not the other way around and he’s devastated it took him so long to find out. That he made her give up on him without even trying to, not on purpose at least.

That’s how bad he is.

But there’s another motive behind her decision, he knows. Not thanks to his stupid memory, or her words. _Okay_ , maybe a little because of her words, but mostly thanks to her eyes when Selin called. Up until that moment, Eda’s point of focus was comparing him with _the other him_ and Selin had been forgotten by both of them.

But after the call, she looked calmer, the cold kind of serenity that comes with determination when you do something that will probably break you. Such as pack-up the person _you love_ , wrap them into a gift and pass them on to the person _they do._

More or less what she had done just before they got together last autumn. Engin told him about that. He said that Eda was obviously in love with him long before, but backed down and tried to get him back together with Selin, because she thought that’s what he wanted. And after everything, she’s doing it again, letting her heart break so he can be happy.

That’s how good she is.

His phone rings and he finally breaks, _screaming_ as the glass of water is sent flying to the other side of the room. It’s Selin. They have _so much_ to talk about and this decision, he needs no time to reconsider.

****

“I’m really sorry.” That’s all he can say in a moment like this, so he goes with it.

Selin is looking at him like she’s half expecting him to start laughing and say it’s just a stupid joke, but as seconds pass, she sees there’s nothing funny about this situation. Serkan is totally serious. He thought it through and breaking off the engagement is what he wants.

“You mean… just the engagement?” The hope her eyes hold is not lost in him, but he still shakes his head no. “So _we_ are over?” Selin now has a weird expression on her face, almost like she’s about to laugh and cry at the same time.

“Yes Selin. I am really sorry that it came to be this way, hurting you is the last thing I want after all you did for me and—”

“Wow. It didn’t even take a week this time, huh?”

He’s confused now. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re pushing me away again Serkan, it’s happening all over again! Eda is messing with your head and you’re getting caught up in it, even though I told you what happened before.” She’s oddly calm he notices, but then Selin had always been a self-contained person, much like him. As if to contradict that very thought, her eyes widen in realization and immediately well up with unshed tears. “That’s why you proposed to me, isn’t it? To spite her.” She is visibly furious now.

He really wishes he could deny it, but it’s not far from the truth. “Selin, that’s not… I was… Look. I really care about you. I do. You have always been by my side, especially these last months and I am grateful for it.”

“There’s a huge _but_ coming, isn’t there? Don’t even bother Serkan, I’ve been through this with you before.” Her fingers wipe a tear before it makes its way down her face and he wants to ask, when, how, what did he do last time, say he’s sorry if he hurt her then too, but he can see that she’ll have none of it. So he remains silent, waiting for her to finish.

“I learned my lesson and I’m not going to get caught up in your indecision again, I’m not the same Selin I was before. Hm, maybe it wasn’t just you who changed.” She smiles down at herself, obviously proud of this achievement, of her personal growth, before taking a deep breath and looking him straight in his eyes.

“You’ve always been the one for me, the person I loved the most, that I would do anything for. When you called me after the accident, I was thrilled. It seemed like a second chance was given to us to be together. You can’t judge me for doing everything I could to make it work, I have every right to be happy.” The determination written across her face leaves no room for objections but still, he has to try.

“I’m not, I just said _I’m_ sorr—”

“You’re not, Serkan but you will. And that’s not the point… The point is, after throwing me out of your life last time, I promised myself I wouldn’t let someone hurt me like that again. Even if it’s you. It’s clear that you’ve made a choice and even if it isn’t final for you, it is for me.” She walks closer to him and kisses his cheek. “Take good care of yourself. Goodbye.”

“Selin, wait you don’t have to leave, we can still…” He genuinely doesn’t know how to finish that sentence and he doesn’t have to, because she touches his lips, signalling him to stop talking.

“I do. This was my last chance and I’m not risking a third. Call me a sore loser if you will.” She smiles and Serkan is so shocked by her calmness, that he can’t find the words to bid her farewell. She didn’t scream, yell or question him, she just accepted his words and now walks out of his life, out of the door of his office, without looking back. He’s embarrassed that even in such a moment, he feels the need to compare this reaction to Eda’s earlier today.

Like day and night. Selin’s departure should make him nervous, lost, all alone in this part of life that he was dropped into, where most faces and events are unknown to him. And yet, he’s calmer than now than he’s been in weeks and knowing that Selin is going to be okay really helps his conscience find some peace.

Eda leaving, on the other hand, that’s making him _crazy._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, as foretold, a pretty big chapter (it might seem normal sized while reading, but trust me 4k words are no joke in writing).  
> Also it's full of kisses and fights and tears and that's even harder.  
> Please excuse any errors, I'm literally too tired to beta this rn.  
> Enjoy!

_Why is this girl so hard to find?_

Logic dictates that she’d be at her house, packing bags for her trip, because he asked and Leyla informed him that she’s leaving tomorrow at noon, so she doesn’t have much time, but then he doesn’t really know how long she’s planning to stay there, has she even packed the right clothes, Italy can be pretty cold this time of year and she strikes him as the kind of person that might have actually packed _flip-flops_. In February.

He almost crashes with another car when the memory hits him.

_He was getting a suitcase out of the trunk of a taxi and putting it in his own, while Eda was waiting for him near the sea, clearly in distress. “What did you put in this one, flip-flops?”_

It wasn’t as long or as important as the other fragments of his past that he’s seen in the last days, but it was the clearest, he could remember everything about that moment like it happened yesterday; the dinosaur pattern on the suitcase, the watch he wore, Eda’s band t-shirt, how the orange glow of the sunset illuminated her face. Her angry, _angry_ face. Too bad he couldn’t remember the rest, because that look was similar to the one she gave him last time he saw her.

If the situation were anything like this one, he could probably get some ideas as to how to stop her now. He shakes his head, what a stupid thought. What are the odds of him trying to stop Eda from going to Italy twice? Really low, but then he’s come to question everything after the accident.

He tries calling her _again_ , but it sends him straight to voicemail. _Oh, what the hell._

“Eda, please call me when you see this, we really need to talk. I came by your house, but you weren’t there, can you at least text me your location? It’s really important.” He manages to say just before the beep cuts him off.

He drives by the flower shop Leyla told him she could be at, he drives to Deniz’s café, but she’s nowhere to be found. Although Deniz seemed oddly suspicious, like he wouldn’t tell him even if he knew where she is. He seems really protective of her and of all the people he’s met this week, he is the one he knows less about, despite the briefings by his mom, Selin, and Engin.

Just who is this guy and by what right does he get to stop him from meeting her? A strange unfamiliar feeling courses through his veins and makes his knuckles whiten as he squeezes the wheel. It takes him a while to recognize it as _jealousy_. Pure, and unaltered jealousy. It’s ridiculous that he feels this way, he _barely knows her_ , it doesn’t make any sense. But then, what has since he laid eyes on her?

His phone ringing gets him out of this reverie and he instantly slows down the car, stops at the side of the road and picks it up in hopes of hearing her voice on the other side.

“Where are you bro, I’ve calling for hours!”

He can’t recall being more disappointed by a phone call before. “Engin, if you don’t have something extremely important to tell me, turn it off, I’m quite busy as it is.”

“Why man, what happened? It’s not about work, that I know, so… Is this about Eda?” Serkan is once again befuddled by how well everyone knows him, how every time someone understands he’s upset, they ask about _her_.

“Yes, she’s leaving and I want to stop her, but I can’t find her, Engin. Where the hell does she go, I couldn’t find her yesterday either!” His own voice sounds actually _desperate_. That’s probably because he is. Anxious to see her, to make her stay, to tell her of the bits and pieces he’s remembered and that he will _probably_ get the rest of his memories back soon. See if that will make her eyes smile at him again.

“Serkan, first of all, breathe brother. Relax. I know where she might be.”

“If you’re going to say her house, the company, the flower shop _or_ the coffee shop, you’re just wasting my time, because I checked and she isn’t.” A shiver of fear runs through him at the thought of her already gone. Maybe she wanted to get far away from him as soon as possible and left a day earlier. Maybe she’s told everyone not to tell him so she can have her revenge for the months _she_ was looking for _him_. Cruel, but he wouldn’t really blame her for it.

“Well, did you check your house?” Serkan can actually hear the smile in his voice.

“My house? What are you talking ab—Look, I told you I have no time, so you either make a serious suggestion, or I’m off.”

“Not _your_ house, the one next to your mother’s. _Yours and Eda’s_ house, the one you were living in before the accident. As far as I know, Eda slept there most nights while you were gone.”

“Where is that house Engin? Why do I not know about it?” The sudden wave of joy that takes over him makes him yell at the top of his voice.

“Woah man, I said relax.” He actually has the nerve the laugh at him. Who’s insensitive now? “Here I’m sending you the address, but I want yo—” It’s too late to ask what he wants, because Serkan has already ended the call and waits for the message. _Work can wait._

***

_Yours and Eda’s house_ he thought distantly as he drove there, _mine and Eda’s house_ he thought when he arrived and took a look at it from outside, _mine and Eda’s_ as he climbed up the stairs and knocked.

But he shouldn’t be knocking the door at his own house, he should have had the keys and it should look familiar inside. But he is and he doesn’t have them and the house might as well have been a stranger’s, if not for the black dog he knows all too well, approaching the door and barking.

And right behind him, Eda _._

 _Finally_.

She’s wearing what appears to be an odd selection of clothes, among which what he knows to be _his_ black plain t-shirt, clearly worn over her own outfit, while in her hand, she holds one of his flat caps. Upon seeing him, Eda looks shocked and freezes right on the spot. Then something must cross her mind because she moves to the door with purpose and eyes full of hesitant hope.

“Serkan?” She asks and he understands it by her tone that she’s asking. She’s wondering, she’s hoping and how he wishes he could say yes, he does, he remembers.

But he doesn’t and he shakes his head ‘ _no’_ even though she never actually asked him out loud. “Can I come in?”

“It is _your_ house, I suppose you can.” She looks unhappy, but raises her shoulders as if to show that she doesn’t care, while moving to the side for him pass through. And he does, strategically going as close to her as possible, so he can smell that magnificent smell of hers, the one that clung to his nose ever since this morning, when he woke up next to her.

“Thank you.” He whispers somewhere above her ear and he can feel her taking a deep breath; maybe his obsession over her smell is not one-sided, as she closes her eyes and stays still for barely a second, before taking a step back. Beating her to it, he takes a more solemn expression and closes the door behind him. “What happened to forgetting the last year too?” He means to tease her, but it comes off more ironic than he intends.

“What are you doing here?” The tired way in which she says it, makes him feel sorry for her, because this is going to be a long night, whether she feels like talking, or not.

“Well, you did say it’s my house. Maybe I should be the one asking you.” That was his idea of lightening the mood, but Eda seems ready to kick him out already, so he amends it, getting straight to the point. “I’ve been looking for you all day, why don’t you pick up the phone?”

“Oh, why indeed!” She exclaims but upon seeing his face getting angrier, adds “From where I come from, when you don’t want to talk to someone, you don’t answer their calls, no matter how persistent they are.”

He’s not any less annoyed by her sarcasm, so his anger slips a _tiny_ _bit_ and he says the wrong thing. “What if it was about work?”

“You called me _21 times_ in the last 5 hours because you wanted to talk about _work_?” She is a step away from slapping him and he can feel it, so he takes off and walks to the living room, near Sirius, who’s already lying on the sofa. “Of course it’s about work, what else are you ever concerned about? And I actually thought you were… Whatever. What is your busine—"

“Thought I was what?” He immediately asks, looking up at her as he absentmindedly pets the dog’s head. “Finish your sentence, I hate it when people do that.”

He thinks he sees her smile for a second, but it’s gone as fast as it appeared. “I know. I was engaged to you. _Twice_.” She informs him, like he needed a reminder, like that piece of information hasn’t taken a permanent spot in his mind. But she’s definitely not smiling now and Serkan wants to change that, if he can.

“So, you’re not going to tell me?”

“You’re not answering my questions, why should I answer yours?” She must know that she’s driving him insane, with all her contradictions and her snarky comments.

“Okay then. No. I’m not here for work, I have personal matters to discuss with you.” Sirius is asleep now, so he stops bothering him and turns around, so that his whole body is facing hers. “I want you to stay.”

Well, he expected a lot of different reactions from her, but this wasn’t one of them. She just stands in front of him, looking in his eyes and not moving, as if she’s still waiting for him to talk. So he continues, less sure of himself now, but this is no time for confidence.

“Please. Just don’t, stay here. With me. I want to get to know you, spend time with you, maybe even fall—”

“Don’t.” Her frozen state breaks suddenly. She looks… worse than he’s ever seen her. “Please.”

He’s getting confused again, this woman really makes no sense. Isn’t this what she wanted to hear as soon as she learned about the amnesia? She doesn’t seem happy to hear it though. Did he hurt her that badly that she changed her mind and she hates him now? But she doesn’t look angry at him either just… closed. Like she’s built a wall around her and she’s not letting anyone in. Is it too late for her to give him another chance?

“Eda” He says and it still amazes him how good that little word makes his mouth feel while saying it, how right it sounds in his ears. “Why not?”

She turns her face away from him and then hides it behind her hands, his flat cap still between them. He’s not sure if she’s crying or not, but he has a strong _urge_ to comfort her, take her in his arms and hug her tight, until she’s not hiding those pretty eyes of her from him. So he succumbs to it.

He stands from the couch and walks up to her, hesitantly reaching for her hand with his, testing if she’s okay with his touch. Then the takes her other hand, throwing his stupid cap to the floor, and brings it to his lips, kissing it softly. “Eda, look at me.”

When she does, Serkan doesn’t spare a second and he kisses her hard on the lips. Hoping it’s enough to say everything he wants to; that he’s choosing her, that he wants to start over, that he’s sorry, he’s so, _so sorry_.

There’s no response from her though and he’s about to let her go and say he’s sorry for that too, when she kisses him back, with twice the need he put into it. Her tongue is teasing his lips and his heart ready to explode in his chest, to beat its way out of him and attach itself to hers. Her hands find his face and her fingers tease the hair at the back of his neck, before the right one slides down to his chest and stops just above his heart.

Feeling it, giving life to it, owning it. It’s just like she said a few nights ago, even if it feels like a lifetime since then; _“The mind might forget, but the heart doesn’t.”_ She could not have been more right. The feeling that his heart will stop if she takes her hand off it is proof enough for him to believe anything she says from now on.

As they come up to breathe, he opens his eyes to marvel at her beauty again, to see those eyes that have been haunting him ever since she kissed him, hoping they’d hold that same fire. But they don’t. Silent tears are rolling down from them instead, her hand moves and he’s shuttering into little pieces within.

“Why Eda? What’s wrong, isn’t this what you wanted?” He has no business yelling, or sounding so angry, but he can hardly contain himself. Her eyes are avoiding him again, so he raises his hands that have been resting around her waist, up to her face and angles it so she’ll look straight at him now.

“I can’t. _We_ can’t, not now.” Can’t she stop being so fucking mysterious and tell him already?

“Tell me what’s stopping us. If this is about Selin, you don’t have to worry about her, the engagement is off and she’s leaving.” Her expression doesn’t change and he’s panicking. “She left already, it’s just you and me, now, as it should have been when I came back. And I’m so sorry about everything, Eda. I’m sorry I hurt you like that, it’s… I didn’t wa—I didn’t know. What you meant to me.” He burbled in almost one breath, thinking he’s covered it, he’s solved the problem causing her reservations.

And it looks like it has worked, because she’s half smiling now and her hand is back there, feeling his pulse and he can breathe now. Her words however fail to match her actions. “I know, my love. I wish you had come back sooner, I wish you’d never left. We would be so happy now, both of us.” Her hands reach for his face again and she gives a chaste kiss on his lips, before taking his hand and leading him back on the couch.

“Why are you talking like it’s too late, damnit? I’m here, despite everything I believe in, holding your hand, even though I only met you a few says ago! How much faster can this go?” He only pauses to take a breath, but the look on her face tells him she’s about to break now and he cannot stand to see her like this, especially knowing he’s the one causing her pain. “ _Please_ try to understand me, I’m doing the best I can to understand you. Will you just stop looki—Can you please explain why you’re saying no?”

“It can’t Serkan. It _shouldn’t_ go any faster. At least not until we’re both on the same page again.”

“What does that even mean?” He’s so tired of asking the same question over and over with nothing but vague answers from her, or kisses that make his lips itch for more.

“It means that I’m… You and I are… We’re living on different times, Serkan.” His misinterpretation must be palpable, because she rushes to elaborate. “I’m ready to say that _I love you_ and I’m ready to get married and I’m ready to continue our lives right where we left of. But you’re not. You _can’t_ be and I’d never blame you for that. Do you see my point now, honey?” She asks and it sounds like she’s explaining the simplest thing and it is in a way, from his point of view.

He shakes his head. “No. No, because you’re not seeing mine, Eda! All I’m saying is give me a chance to get there, my memory is coming back piece by piece, be with me and help me puzzle it out.”

Out of everything he said since he came in, it was this that made her eyes _sparkle_ with hope, made her walls break, even if just for a minute and she kissed him again, with more passion than he’s ever been kissed with and he did his best to give even half the amount of emotion back to her. His hands, as if tired of waiting for a command from his brain, made their way to her waist again and, with a profound sense of possessiveness, lifted her from his side and set her on his lap.

“Serkan. You’re getting carried awa—Aah!” The sound she makes as he bites her neck is out of this world and all he can think of is _again again again._ But her hands stop him before he grants himself that wish and she slowly gets off him. “I can’t believe I’m actually saying no to this.” She laughs and looks at him with a teasing look, like he was supposed to understand why it’s funny, why she stopped him, _just why_.

“Then don’t. Stop denying this or give me a solid reason to do so too.”

“You said your memory is coming back?” He’s aware of her changing the subject, but chooses to ignore it because she sounds genuinely excited at the prospect of his memories returning, more so than he’s ever seen her. But then what does he know, this is the longest they’ve spoken since he came home. “Did you see something?”

“Well it’s not much, but I think it’s a good start, you know? I’ve been seeing scattered images for a while now, but after meeting you, they became much more intense and frequent.” Her face clouds at the mention of the time they’ve spent away, but she says nothing. “It’s mostly you. We’re standing in front of a mirror and I’m zipping up your dress. It’s yellow.”

She smiles and her eyes well up for an entirely different reason this time, he thinks. “It’s the day of our engagement. The fake one.” She quickly adds and laughs. “Anything else? That you saw?”

“Well there’s a weird one that I saw today” He’s not talking about this morning, that would be embarrassing and he doesn’t want her to feel awkward. “I saw a black suitcase with little dinosaurs on it and you being angry at me, somewhere near the sea.”

“You saw that today?” Her smile is huge, radiant and just perfect.

“Yes, on my way here. Why do you ask? When was it from?” It’s so weird that he has to ask someone to explain him what he saw in his head.

“The day you told me you were in love with me. I was leaving and you stopped me.” He’s really interested in knowing more of that time, but hearing the word leaving makes him come back to the room and try to solve their current problem.

“Would it stop you if I said it again?” He’s half smiling and it feels strange. _Good_.

“Would you mean it if you said it again?” Both smiles drop and he’s sensing they’re about to start round two.

“All I’m asking is for a little time. Yes, I am attracted to you. Yes, I want to know you. And I do believe that with _time_ I’ll be able to say that to you too.” He got it right now, he knows it, there’s no way she’ll—

“Serkan! I told you no, it’s not fair— I… I can’t, please stop pressuring me.” The look on her face tells him that he’s crossing some sort of line, along with the fact that she’s running from him again, getting up and going to the kitchen.

“Yeah? And how about the pressure you’re giving me?” He follows.

“I’m not! Don’t you see it? I’m doing everything I can so I won’t pressure you! I’m _leaving_ so that you don’t feel _obliged_ to deal with me.” She’s shouting again and compared to every other fight they’ve had, what she says makes less sense than all.

“Are you not listening to me? I _want_ to deal with you! With _us_. Not because I feel sorry for you, or because I’m in any way obliged to do it. I just…” He pauses, taking a deep breath, because this a big step for him. “ _I like you_. A lot. I want to go on a date with you and work with you and make plans for the weekend with you, meet your friends and your family. I want to get to know you. Again.”

He’s impressed by his words and how easily they came out. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt so comfortable expressing his emotions in front of another person. Probably because he’s never done it before. That’s why he needs her to stay, he likes this person he’s turning into when she’s around.

“You’re making this harder than it already is!” Eda screams in his face and she continues before he has the chance to say the same thing back to her. “Let’s say we do, we take everything from the start.” His smile at that possibility is short lived. “What if at some point you change your mind, see that we’re too different and decide it’s not worth it, or feel like I’m rushing you into things you’re not ready for? What if you never remember? That’s still a possibility! Won’t you break my heart again then?”

“You don’t know that! All you have is what ifs and they’re not enou—"

“No Serkan, _you_ don’t know! You don’t know what we went through, how we got past our problems. You don’t remember it, but _I do_. We barely made it and there was no reason to rush then. You’re asking me to enter the relationship I’ve already been in _for months_. My heart is already there, but it’s too broken to stand and wait for yours.” It’s clear that she wants to say more, that she’s keeping so much inside. “I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to stay by your side as you go through this. I really am, but believe me, this is the best for us.”

“How is walking away better? How can you take such a decision for the both of us?” He’s angry, there’s no hiding it anymore.

“I’m not walking away _forever_ , Serkan! I’m just giving you the space you need to make sure this is what you really want. That you’re here because you’re ready to be with me, as ready as you were two months ago. And that’s a decision you have to make on your own, with no one rushing your actions. So I’ll wait, as long as it takes. Just not here.”

Her tears are back in full force now and she quietly waits for his response as she rinses her face with water, before filling a large glass and drinking it. He’s silent. He wasn’t prepared for anything like this. Serkan came here so certain that the day would end as nicely as it started, with her in his arms. It seems like he’s losing this war, but maybe he can still win that battle.

“There’s nothing I can say that will change your mind, is there?”

“Not unless it’s the words ‘I remember’, followed by proof.” She has the nerve to laugh at that. And the sight of her smile is so powerful, that it gives him hope. Everything will work out fine with time, he decides. And it dawns to him then that they’re both asking for the same thing from each other. _Time._

She made it clear that she can’t give it to him, but he’s willing to give her everything she asks for, to believe everything she tells him. And if she says that leaving will be good for them, he believes it. After all she might know him better than he knows himself, concerning this issue, at this moment.

“I’m not that good of a liar.” She silently nods from across the kitchen table with a knowing smile, confirming his thoughts. And then an idea strikes him; he’s definitely winning the battle of tonight. “Tell me about us.”

She looks befuddled by his request, and his willingness to comply with hers, so she nods again. “What do you want to know?”

“Anything. _Everything_. I have all night. Since I can’t convince you to stay, we have to make the best out of tonight.” He smiles at her and goes around the table to take her hand and lead her back on the couch. “In fact, we have… about 15 hours, until you have to leave for the airport.”

Her relief upon hearing his words is visible, by her eyes, by her smile, her whole face is calmer now, that he’s granting her wish to let her go. “Thank you.” She leans towards him as they sit side by side on the sofa and kisses him softly on the lips. Even if he didn’t know why she’s thanking him, her kisses seize every function his brain can offer and he wouldn’t even be able to form the words to ask her anyway.

“Where to begin…”

***

They’ve been asleep for barely three hours when her alarm rings. And he knows because that’s how long remained for it to ring when she set it. The lack of sleep has no effect on him though. He’s actually angry at himself for sleeping at all, because if he hadn’t, he could bask in her presence during the limited amount of time he has left with her. He blindly looks for the device with his left hand, before he grabs it and puts it on silent mode. Turning his head to the side, he opens his eyes and sees her face.

He has developed an unhealthy obsession with watching her sleep. She didn’t seem to find it creepy last night though, after she dosed off on the couch and found him watching her intently when she opened her eyes. She just smiled and gave him another kiss, shorter than the ones she’d given him before. It lacked the intensity of emotion the others shared, it was sleepy and completely ordinary. Simple, like an act you’ve made thousands of times and you know will make again, thousands more.

It was so different for him though, because for him, that was their ninth kiss, _of course he kept count_ and in context, it said just as much as their first, when she was trying to make him remember, or their third, when he was trying to make her stop crying. Kiss number nine was special for him because it promised of a future, of a time when he won’t be able to count them and recall every single one in his head. _He likes that._

He gently shakes her, using the arm he has around her shoulders and whispers her name in her ear, between little kisses along her face. She’s quite the heavy sleeper he learns, adding it to the long list of things he learned about her last night. Little things, like her favourite meal, her favourite season, her love for flowers and more complex ones, like her childhood, the death of her parents, their break-up. And other, happier ones, like how they came to be together, the handcuff stories, their proposals to each other.

Her eyes finally opening stop every thought crossing his mind and he just smiles, as he leans in for kiss number ten. And even though he thinks that in time, he won’t remember _every_ kiss, Serkan is sure he will never forget this one. It’s so gentle at first, it feels like he’s touching the clouds and then it grows intense and passionate, full of fire like her eyes and all he can do is keep on burning, until there’s nothing left of him but ashes.

He used to think that such a feeling didn’t exist, because losing yourself in another person made no sense to him. Even if it was possible, he thought, why allow it, why be consumed by a feeling that might end in the future and leave you worse than it found you? It seemed stupid then, illogical. He’s starting to change his mind now, though. Enveloping himself around all that is _her_ , taking everything she gave and giving everything he could in return, is the only thing that makes sense.

“Good morning.” She mumbles, almost out of breath and she rests her right hand on his chest again. He briefly wonders if she always did that, or if it’s a new thing she’d doing. He can’t wait to find out after he remembers. Because he’s _sure_ he will.

“I dreamt about you last night. Well today, technically.” Their faces are so close still, that his lips are brushing against hers as he says that and he can feel hers as they curve into a smile.

“Nothing foxy I hope.” She teases and her actions don’t match with her words again, because she seductively licks his lower lip and winks at him. Sensing how the situation is really close to getting out of hand, she slips out of his and sits up on the bed. “What did you dream about?”

“I told you, you. Your face mostly. Your hair, your hands. Do you have a tattoo?” He takes her hand and examines it as he asks and there it is, the star he saw in his sleep. Above it, her slim fingers that look empty without _his_ ring resting between them. He kisses the spot where it would have been, if it wasn’t in his jacket. “Are you sure you still want to go?”

“Are you sure you still don’t remember?” During the past couple of days, he had failed to see first-hand how funny she actually is, how positive she manages to stay, even if things aren’t as happy as she makes them seem. He only got to make her cry and fight him and yell at him and last night had all of that, but so much more of Eda, the strong, stubborn, kind girl his mother talked about.

He still wishes she would stay with him as he goes through their past in his mind, as the picture she painted for him while telling their story, becomes colourful and alive in his memory. But he trusts her judgement that it’s better if she stayed away, even if there is a little voice deep in his gut telling him she is hiding something from him. Serkan chooses to ignore it and put all his focus in remembering her.

Because she’ll be waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe u didnt think I'd actually fix all this mess in a single chapter did u?  
> Okay, don't kill me just yet, hear me out: Eda is a Great character imo and she's pretty much why I'm writing this fic and watching the show. Sçk is introducing strong female characters in turkish tv and I'd be damned if I had Eda take no actual part in this story other than being in Serkan's head all the time.  
> For those thinking 'why write a serkan chararcter study, if u like her so much', you are right, (but also wrong, I get to praise her non stop this way) tbh I'm afraid of taking her off the pedestal, but  
> I'm facing my fears and next chapter will be in her POV (can be considered as a filler kind of chapter, so u may skip it if u like).  
> Wow look at that, this note is turning into a chapter too, you'd think I'd be tired of typing by now.  
> Lots of love, 'till next time!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been dragging this chapter for about a week now, trying to finish it and make it as decent as possible. It's kinda big, so consider that part of my apology for taking so long to update.  
> Hope you enjoy!

***Eda’s PoV***

_I’m doing this for us_.

That’s what she said to herself when she came up with the plan to leave. That’s what she said to Serkan when he asked her to stay. That’s what she kept telling herself as she was boarding the plane. And that’s what she’s been telling herself every day since she left.

 _I’m doing this for us_.

Eda opens the window she’s been staring out of to take some needed fresh air. Closing her eyes, she just listens the city’s sounds. Rome is much nosier than Istanbul, or maybe it’s just her neighbourhood that was so peaceful, or maybe she just misses home. If someone told her than she would be standing here, in her own apartment, with a steady job, _in Italy_ , a year ago, she’d be beyond thrilled. Every single dream of hers would have come true and she’d be the happiest person on earth. It still astonishes her how quickly all that changed; her dreams, the things she needs to be happy, her priorities. How they keep on changing so abruptly, with no warning, or preparation, even now.

She’s right at the spot she’s dreamt of being for years and yet, all she wants is to go back home, to her neighbourhood, to her friends, her aunt, _him._ She misses Serkan the most. The way he looks at her, smiles at her, how he can envelope her in his arms and make her feel so safe, how his lips feel against hers, the way he smells. She stole one of his shirts before leaving, not really caring if he would notice, there are far more important things for him to think about than a missing shirt, so she probably got away with it. She wouldn’t be able to sleep without it, his scent, the feeling that he’s around, that’s why she needed something to trick her mind, like she did last time, when she’d sleep at his room and bury her nose in his pillow.

A sudden ping from her cell phone cuts her thoughts short, as she reaches for it and reads ‘ _I think I remember the first time we met. Call me when you wake up.’_ Five weeks and still he only sees scattered images and scenes from the life they shared. Five weeks and his memory is still not back. Five weeks and nothing really changed. Maybe it was a mistake, leaving. It’s not like she’s left him alone to think anyway, they talk on the phone _a lot_ and sometimes Serkan says he _needs_ _to see_ her, so they video chat too.

She didn’t mean to get so carried away, but she had already missed him too much by the time he called her and asked to keep touch so that she’d explain to him what it was that he remembered. Maybe he was looking for an excuse to keep her close, just like she was looking for one to keep him away. It must have become obvious to him by now, that letting him decide wasn’t her only reason for leaving, but he doesn’t pressure her to know at all, which is weird.

Knowing Serkan, he probably pretends to respect her wishes, while trying to find it out himself and solve it. She wishes things were that simple, that she could just come clean with no fear about his reaction, that she could share this game-changing piece of information with him and be sure that he’d go through it with her. Knowing Serkan, that’s not how he works. Last time such a big secret was dropped into their lives, he chose to face it alone and drive her away. And it might look like it, but she’s not doing that, she’s just delaying the events, softening the blow and coming to terms with everything it includes herself.

_I’m doing this for us._

It’s like those motivational phrases that people say every morning, to try and believe them, or to give strength to themselves to keep going. She’s been doing that for a while now, as part of her morning routine; wake up, visit the bathroom, make breakfast and repeat to herself these words. Serkan barely believes it anymore and she can’t really blame him, she’s ran out of excuses at this point, so perhaps it’s time to take the risk and tell him.

But what if it’s too much, too soon for him and he leaves her again? Now that she’s the one taking the decision to go, she finally sees Serkan’s motives behind their break-up a lifetime ago. That line he threw at her the day she found out; _if I hadn’t left, you would have._ She gets it now, how he came to that decision, but she hasn’t forgotten how much it hurt her and she doesn’t want to make the same mistake as him; she remembers everything and has learnt from it.

She had to buy herself some time and space, to give his memory a chance to come back, before she is forced to tell him the truth. Eda knows exactly what he is feeling right now and all she can do is hope that he too, like her, will blindly trust her in this decision of hers. They only need to wait a bit longer. As long as they can.

Amazing how time works, how it registers differently in one’s mind according to what they’re feeling. Even though the situation is pretty much the same; she’s waiting for Serkan, as she did after the accident, after their break-up. As she did most of her life, even if she didn’t know it.

Feels like it did three months ago, when no one knew – well, not her at least- whether Serkan had survived the crash, how time had frozen at first. Minutes felt like weeks, full of agony and stubborn denial to grieve, to let herself go, to do what everyone told her and accept that he wasn’t coming back. The thought alone of that possibility made her insides turn, her head feel light and she passed out a lot more often than she used to before.

She spent the first two days of waiting unmoved. Right where he left her, still in her wedding dress, despite her aunt’s pleads to get up, to react, do anything other than stare at the television and wait for news about him. She didn’t sleep, although half the time she had her eyes closed, hoping that he would keep his promise and be there when she opened them. She didn’t talk, just nodded or blankly glared when addressed, as if speaking would break the spell, the _force_ that kept her there, that gave her strength not to collapse. She didn’t eat, even though she was sure every single thing that was brought in front of her would be delicious, having chosen the menus for the wedding reception herself. The mere sight of those plates had broken her to pieces, because she knew it was meant for the happiest day of her life, not the worst one.

She did cry, though. Silently, then loudly, but endlessly.

On the third day, strong arms shook her shoulders and she could barely hear her aunt’s cries to ‘ _please let’s go_ ’ and ‘ _talk to me_ ’ or ‘ _please Eda you have to eat_ ’. They were interrupting another attempt of hers to close her eyes and make Serkan come back, she wouldn’t take her serious if she told her, but it was bound to work at some point. When she opened her eyes though, he still wasn’t there, but Ayfer’s distraught figure was standing right in front of her, looking more worried than she’s even seen her.

That was enough to knock her out of trance. Surely it was news about him, that’s why she looked at her like that. Bad news, terrible news that her heart couldn’t possibly afford to hear. She moved her lips to speak, to ask what happened, but no voice came out. Her mouth was completely dry, so all she managed was to mumble a single faint word, the one word that had been tormenting her thoughts for hours on end.

“Dead?” Her eyes might have filled with tears, if there was any water to spare in her body at that point and instead, they just burned, along with all of her body. As if she had just woken up from a long night of restless sleep and she didn’t feel the least bit refreshed or relaxed. She only felt thirsty.

Her aunt picked up on that and delighted as she was to have gotten any kind of reply from her, rushed to get her a glass of water, right after shaking her head no and saying “Still nothing.” And even though after that day, a lot had changed, that phrase stood unaltered. No matter how many times she asked, no matter how much she tried.

The week that followed is still hazy in her memory, like she wasn’t the one living it, like her mind had shut down and all she could do was sit and wait. Initially, she went back to her own house, along with her aunt, Melo, Ceren and Fifi, who basically carried her there. Exhausted as she felt however, sleep would evade her, as the last words Serkan told her played in a loop in her head, wondering if she would ever get to hear them again. That’s when she started spending her days at his house, buried under his blankets and wearing his clothes and hugging his pillows.

It was after Deniz came back from abroad and visited her that she was able to get herself together, to stand strong on her own feet, as she always had. She can still recall the exact words he told her that day, as if their conversation occurred an hour ago.

_“You think Serkan will come back. Do you really want him to see you this way, like a mess stuck in bed?” His smile was friendly, but that barely made up for his harsh words. “Where is the Eda I grew up with, the one that got over so many horrible things and still smiled through it?” Deniz moved to the closet and grabbed a coat. “Cheer up. Get your ass out of bed and let’s go find that man of yours.” The smile he was sporting was radiant and she found her lips turning upwards as well._

It was that easy. After that day, Eda put all her energy in being positive, in keeping hope alive, in running the company as best as she could until Serkan was back. Meanwhile, she spent most of her free time off work in tracing his steps along with Deniz, in order to find him. Just like now, the sole reason that got her out of bed in the mornings was that Serkan might come back today.

_I did this for us._

With that thought, her mind returned to the matter at hand which was calling him, of course. Her need to find a more serious excuse to talk to Serkan had faded over the last week or so, since she simply lacks the patience at this point. She presses the call button before she has the time to overthink it.

“Hey.” Damn his husky, _sexy_ voice and her _weak_ knees. “I’ve been waiting for you.” _Yeah tell me about it_ almost escapes her lips and she takes a moment to come to her senses.

“Hi. I mi—It’s good t—Hi.” Well maybe she needed another moment because that went terrible. “How are you?”

“I’m alright, are _you_ okay?” She can hear the laughter in his voice and it baffles her how he can still make her cheeks red with embarrassment, even after all they’ve been through together.

“I’m good. Just taking a break from work, I’m almost done with Mr. Fikret’s garden design. I’ll send you a copy as soon as it’s rea—”

“No need. Just forward it to the constructor, I’m sure you did a great job.” He interrupts and quite frankly, shocks her. This is a weird move from him, not at all what she expected by the same guy who triple-checked his own work. And before she has the chance to ask him if he’s certain, he adds; “I trust you.”

Three so small, but so powerful words. Not the ones she wants most to hear again from him, but still they manage to make her heart skip several bits at the sound of them. His low tone, the confidence in his voice, they betray how truthful he’s being, how sure he is of what he says, what it means for their work and their relationship.

“Serkan” It’s time, she’s going to tell him. “I’m…” No, wait, not over the phone, she needs to be able to look into his eyes, to see what his first, raw reaction will be. “Serkan I think we should—”

“Talk. In person.” She’d be mad at him for interrupting her again, if what he said wasn’t exactly what she had in mind. “Eda, please don’t deny it, I’m seriously running out of patience and I’ve been trying to give you the space you needed, but it’s too m—”

Now it’s her turn to interrupt. “Okay.” There’s a small pause and then just silence.

“Okay what?”

“Let’s meet.”

****

She can’t sleep. Not after that dream. Probably the happiest one she’s ever seen, but it only managed to make her that much more disappointed at reality once she woke up.

_She was in the company, walking towards Serkan’s office, where she could hear him talk. But he wasn’t sitting in his chair, as he always did, he was standing by the door that leads to the little balcony, where she had planted the seeds of her mother’s flower so long ago and he was facing her, smiling._

_“Eda” His eyes were different than she last saw them. They were warm, full of adoration, not a sign of coldness, just like he looked at her on their wedding day. “I remember.” He said but he didn’t need to, she knew as soon as she saw his eyes._

_She ran into his arms and kissed him. It didn’t last as long as she wanted it to and there was so much she wanted to say, but words failed her, so she grabbed hold of his hand to show him instead. The sound of a giggle stopped her, though. She stood frozen on the spot as the most magnificent scene played before her eyes._

_Serkan turned his back to her and walked towards the source of the sound. It was a little girl, with blonde hair full of golden locks, that smiled and beamed at him as he took her in his arms. Once again, words were just a confirmation to her thoughts, as the toddler looked at her with big brown eyes that matched her own, and said the word that still rings in her ears._

_“Anne”_

Such a small word, of such great importance, such value to her. Ever since her parents died, Eda has never uttered that word to address someone, not even her aunt, who raised her, and is by all means worthy of that title. That particular name has always been kind of a _sacred_ word for her, she could never say it to anyone else but her own mother, no matter the circumstances. It was because of that she did not call Aydan ‘mother’ when she asked her to, why she never calls Ayfer ‘mother’ even though she does consider her a parent.

Her own thoughts are confusing her, but she has stubbled upon them quite a few times while growing up, so in way in makes sense in her head. Having a parent that is neither her dad, nor her mom and both at the same time. What she had never considered before though, was the thought of that same word being addressed to her.

_“Mom”_

The feelings it steered, the warmth that enveloped her from the insides of her soul, her whole existence suddenly rejoicing at the sound of a three-letter word. Untangling herself from the sheets that have basically become a knot around her ankles after all the twisting and turning of the last hour since the dream, Eda stands from the bed and walks towards the bathroom. She needs to see it, feel it again, the most precious thing she’s ever felt, the now-lemon-sized secret that she’s been keeping from everyone for the last month or so.

Turning on the lights, she faces the mirror and studies her body quietly, as if seeing it for the first time. There are some changes not big enough for an outsider to notice, as is her slightly enlarged chest, and others that are easier to spot at this point, like the little bump where her flat stomach used to be. Her tight tank top isn’t doing her any favours, highlighting her breasts and leaving her belly out in the open; surely no one would know in the right set of clothes, she thinks.

Turning to the side to get a better view of it, Eda gently puts her hands over it, over the tiny ball of hope that has been driving her crazy and keeping her sane at the same time. This little being that grows inside her day by day, this small sign of life, life that she and Serkan created by _love_. She thought that no sentiment could overpower what she felt, _feels_ , for him, but she was entirely wrong. And what a beautiful feeling that is, the knowledge that there’s a _happier_ kind of happy than the happiest she has ever been. A _lovelier_ _love_ than the most love she has ever known, while the intensity of both, only makes them stronger.

She has never loved Serkan more than she loves him now, but she’s sure as hell that she’ll think the same in an hour, in a day, a month, a year, forever. She’s not sure he would feel the same way, even if he remembers, after learning about it. _The baby. The_ ir _baby._ She knows he loves her, but they’ve never really talked about having a family, other than vague, mostly humorous conversations about kids.

Sure, she’d always wanted to be a mother someday, but it was a plan for the distant future, she had barely had the time to think that far ahead when she was with Serkan. Drama kept getting in their way and she only dared plan of tomorrow during their happy times. Which is why it was so overwhelming for her, having to think this whole thing through alone, while Serkan was getting out of his way to make her miserable.

The day after Serkan’s proposal to Selin, Eda felt like shit. She kept fainting, feeling nauseous and barely being able to keep any food down her stomach, even though she was famished. Initially, she thought it was grief catching up with her, hurt and sadness making her body react this way, just like that first week after the accident. But something felt different from then, she always just completely lost her appetite whenever she was sad, forgetting about food for days at a time, if she wasn’t force-fed something by her aunt. That’s why she took a pregnancy test.

_She needed some time alone, to go somewhere no one would disturb her or find her, so she drove to Serkan’s apartment, carrying a neatly folded paper-bag that contained several tests. After she made sure that nobody was at home, she locked herself inside the bathroom and shut off her cell phone, while she waited for the results._

_After what she thought were the five longest minutes of her life, she looked at the two lines on the pen. And the two lines on the other pen. And two lines on every test she bought. She’d never felt more lost in her life, never had been in such a position before, where everything in her life crumbled, right at the moment when everything needed to be stable and certain, right when her life’s biggest responsibility was on the way._

_She needed guidance. Someone to confide into, someone that would help her and stand by her side as she tried to solve this mess her love life had turned into, so she turned on her phone and was in the process of dialling Deniz’s number, when Serkan called, for the dozenth time in the last hour. Every brain cell available screamed not to pick up, but her hands had a mind of her own and she pressed the green icon before she could stop herself._

_“Eda Yildiz, you finally picked up.” The drag of his voice at the end of every word seemed awfully familiar and but it wasn’t until his next words that she knew why. “I’ve been calling for hours… I’ve been meaning to ask you about—no ho—why are you—fuck… there’s a lotta stuff I wanna ask you.” He was drunk. Again. She could tell by they way he spoke and even if that wasn’t enough, she could hear a gulp and the cling of a glass at every pause he made._

_“Serkan, are okay?” She barely had the strength to go through this at the moment, but she too needed to talk to him, to see him, touch him and be with him tonight, more than ever. Even if he didn’t know or couldn’t understand why. “Do you want me to come over? Are you alone?” She added that last question after a second of thought, because she’s been burnt by Serkan’s drunken midnight calls before, and Selin could be there again, this time much less inclined to leave than last._

_“I’m not. I’m never alone” Her heart was a beat away from breaking. “You’ve been livin’ in my head for so long, you’re part of it now. Or maybe my brain is part of you. I dunno.”_

_That cheesy drunken bastard._

_“Should I come over?” She repeated, while her own brain filed away that bunch of words that slipped through his mouth. She was bound to look back at this moment one day and take strength from it._

In hindsight, she was right. And today is the day. She would have told him that night, if he wasn’t half asleep already by the time she arrived. Instead she just helped into bed and slipped undercover as well, hugging his chest and kissing his neck and crying a few tears that were both happy and sad. And next morning she was going to tell him again, but he pulled the same idiotic line as he did back when he was the one hiding something and the irony was not lost in her, he had to be joking. But he wasn’t. So she went from calm to furious in seconds and the trip to Italy just popped in her head and out of her mouth in a matter of seconds.

The look of shock his face held because of her behaviour was enough for her to go on with that spur-of-the-moment decision of leaving. She didn’t dare imagine what his expression would be like if she had looked him in the eye right at that moment and told him “I’m pregnant.”

The realization came as a huge shock over her as well, even though her memories were intact and she could recall with a great amount of detail how she came to be nine weeks pregnant, just eight weeks after her wedding day. Getting back together after months of pining and stubbornly rejecting each other, does that to a person, Eda can only guess. Not letting her hormones get the better of her, she shakes her head to drive away the memories of the said night at his place that lead her to where she is tonight; secretly pregnant, in a small apartment in Rome, hours before the baby’s father, who can’t remember her, comes knocking at her door, inevitably becoming aware of the situation.

For a handful of minutes, _as is the size of your baby by now_ , a wildly squeaky voice that sounds a lot like Melo’s intervenes, Eda stands there, in front of the mirror, petting her barely-there bump and wondering how Serkan could possibly react. How _will_ he react, once she tells him. _Tomorrow_.

Will she be able to do it? In the dream words weren’t good enough and she tried to show him by running his hand over it. Would he even understand it? Granted, the old Serkan would know the difference in a second, maybe without even touching her, but definitely after, since he was obsessed with resting his hands on her. Touching her all the time; at her hands, her face, her hair, the small of her back, her thighs, like he was memorising her body, every inch of it, every soft expanse of skin.

But he’s forgotten it now, along with much more important things than her body and how it felt against his palms. She cannot fathom what the new—older-than-the-old— _this_ Serkan will think. Maybe he’ll be mad at her for keeping it a secret. Maybe he’ll be happy, but that’s unlikely, Serkan had made it clear long ago that he’s not really into infants and from what she remembers, the feeling was mutual.

Maybe he will let her down easy by telling her that he’s not ready for a commitment as big as this one and offer to provide them for life and maybe escort her to the doctor once or twice, but basically that’s all, because his job is the most important thing for him and, honestly woman, he only said ‘I like you’ and acted like he ran a marathon after it, this is too much for him to accept after a mere crush on her and some blurry memories that could just be dreams.

It’s too much for her head to wrap itself around, so she wraps her arms around herself instead, trying to calm down and think positively. It doesn’t really work, so she runs a hand down her face, when her ring tangles in a lock of hair. _His_ ring. That’s what he called it when he gave it back to her, just before she boarded the plane. Bringing it up to her lips, Eda kisses the pink stones that rest on it, closing her eyes and remembering his words.

_“I’ll dream about you, Eda Yildiz.”_

Her left hand was cupping her belly before she even thought of doing it and she looks down towards it, wearing a strong smile, despite the story her tear-filled eyes are telling. Her voice finally has confidence in it when she whispers, just loudly enough for the two of them -well _half of her_ and the three-ninths of a person in her palms.

For almost a week, right before their wedding, it was _his_ hands holding her, holding _them_ , even if they weren’t aware of it, they were happy for a few days, just the three of them. Four if you count Sirius. And if everything works out tomorrow, they can be together again, as a family.

“Come back to us.” Hoping beyond hope that the sound will travel directly to _his_ ears, the ears of her other half, not a single soul other than the _almost-three_ of them to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're on our way for a happy ending, try not to judge too harshly my decision for playing the pregnant card, I was kinda desperate for a solution to the mess I created... As always, I look forward to reading your opinions in the comment section!  
> Stay safe.
> 
> Ps: Looking back at the previous chapters, I decided to merge the short ones together, despite my OCD screaming to let the story reach the even number of 10 parts. So for anyone who might want to reread (Idk why, BUT THANK YOU) and find their selves confused:   
> old ch 2 and 3 are together as chapter 2 and ch 5 was broken in half and merged with old ch 4 and 6. Pretty darn confusing, yeah. I hope I didn't mess it up!   
> Pps: I did mess up, some of your comments are gone, I'm an idiot.


End file.
